The Does And Don'ts of Clearing Garden Debris

This is the way it works: you decide to finally get off your lazy bum-bum, (Frankie and Steven's new word for rear-end, courtesy of two years of living in California), and slog your way out through the (literally) five-foot-high weeds, to clean up the area that is supposed to be called your garden. Now, in the first place, you are not supposed to let your garden get into such a state, and in the second place, you are not supposed to let it go for so long without cleaning up for the winter. (I kill myself, preaching about how to get your garden ready for winter, and then letting mine go so bad). I know! I can blame it on SADD, the seasonal disorder that some people get in the wintertime, when they recieve less sunlight, so it makes them depressed........ Well, it sounded good anyway, sigh...... Ok, ok, I admit, I've let the stupid garden go all to pieces. Well, to the weeds anyway. Can't blame the bugs this time, they are all dead, YIPPEE! Finally got rid of them little suckers, halleujah! 'course, now nothing is growing, (weeds included), but, by golly, them bugs are history baby! Ok, now that I've gotten that off my chest, I feel much better, (MY kind of therapy is cheap, hehehe!)
Back to the subject at hand: to re-cap - I've slogged my way through the five-foot-high weeds, gotten through the guilt-trip, and rejoiced about the absence of bugs........ So, as I studied the situation, (all the tangles of thick, dead weeds), I ultimately decided that the best way to handle the dilemma of getting rid of them from my raised beds, was to burn them off. Now, first of all, when you decide to burn weeds, you 1.Make sure that it is not a windy day. 2.Make sure that you have a water supply handy. 3.Make sure that you are not alone. 4.Make sure that you have cell-phone signal, and 5. Make sure there are no structures or vehicles close to the burning area. The reason that I know what NOT to do is simple: 1.I burned weeds on a windy day. 2.The water supply had been turned off at the pump-house for the winter. 3.I was all alone on a dead-end country road with very few neighbors. 4.The area where I was has always been completely without cell-phone signal, and 5.Steven's junky trailer AND my vehicle were within danger range.
Now, I've said before that I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, and every lesson that I've learned has always been learned the hard way, so you'd THINK that I would have given this some thought. I probably wouldn't have done it if I had not had a lighter, but lo and behold, I found a lighter in Steven's junky old trailer, just in time to do the dirty deed. Yippee!
So, I went all around, setting lots of little areas on fire, (had to make it burn away faster, don't you know), and before I knew it, all kind of grass was burning. Now, it's hard to have to try to decide to fight the fire by yourself, or call the fire department; if you take the time to call someone, the fire can spread so fast, because of the wind, and if you decide to fight the fire before calling (so you won't be embarrassed about causing such a calamity, because even I'VE got to admit, it was a pretty stupid thing to do), then the stupid thing could get out of hand so quickly.
So, I started raking and stomping, and frantically beating that darn thing out as fast as I could, so I wouldn't have to admit to anyone that I'd made a ton of mistakes; and hoping and praying that I could handle it by myself; when I actually started making head-way, and could actually see being able to put it out without having to call someone. Whew! what a relief! dignity restored. Now, if only the neighbors up on the hill didn't notice anything.
So, in the end, I got the fire put out; hung around for a while afterwards to make sure that no sparks got carried by the wind, and re-set the darn thing, and tried to breath a sigh of relief that the situation got no worse than it did. So, all's well that ends well..........except that...........the stupid weeds in my raised beds didn't burn at all.........they were wet and mushy and did not light up; it was the grass all AROUND the raised beds that caught on fire. Good Grief!